The Undiscovered Island
There once was a young, 10 year old police that red a newspaper discussing an 'Undiscovered Island' that no one knew about. This Officer was Joey, Joey got excited about this interesting island, and decided to leave Middle Park tonight and go there on a speed boat. Joey didn't tell his parents because he thought they would be Heartbroken.
The clock on Joey's wall struck midnight, he packed blankets, food, pillows and clothes and escaped the house quickly and quietly. Then Joey ran to the dock. He made it to the dock finding several boats. He took the speedboat and turned it on. WHOOSH!, off the speedboat went. Joey got his bag and took out pillows and blankets. He slept until he felt a huge THUMP. He opened his eyes in shock, it's still night. He made it to a foggy Island with a scary, old, rusty house with bats, cobwebs and Jack O'Lanterns surrounding the entrance. Joey was frightened so he crept slowly into the house, bats flew out, passing Joey's face. As he walked through a hall, the floor made noises, CREEK. Joey opened a small door, he bent down and crawled inside, it was dark. Joey had matches in his pocket and he found a candle, so he lit it and saw a small piece of chocolate, he felt like Alice in Wonderland but instead Joey in an Undiscovered Island. He decided to eat the chocolate, the chocolate was rather small but he ate it. POOF! In a blink of an eye, he was so big, he went into a corner and sobbed until he heard something, he looked back and saw a drink, he came closer to it and drank it, POOF! he turned small so then he had an idea, he grabbed some of the chocolate and took a small bite, then he turned back to his normal size. He then found a door, he then looked for a key. Joey saw it! It's on a shelf in the corner. He grabbed it and opened the door, Then he felt stuck and hurt.
To be continued…
Hey, I really liked your story. I liked how you ended it with a to be continued. I thought by making the adjectives a different font reminded me of Geronimo Stilton.
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ReplyDeleteWow, this is a good piece of writing
ReplyDeleteHi there,
ReplyDeletei really liked your story and i think you could make a new one that is the same but the punctuation could be a little bit better
i also think that the second paragraph is a little bit hard to read.
But i really liked your story!
Hi Telesia, Wishing you peace, love and happiness that the miracle of Christmas bring.
ReplyDeletehi there telasia, i would just like to wish you and family peace and harmony that the Holy spirt brings you and i hope you have a great Christmas and happy new year
ReplyDeleteHi there Telesia! My name is Bella, I am from Yaldhurst Model school. This is such an amazing story. It reminds me of Alice in wonderland; when alice eats the small cake and turns humongous but then she finds a door but the door is tiny so she has to drink some of the lemonade to shrink and fit through the door. This is such an adventurous story and I can´t wait to hear more about it. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteKa kiti ano,
Bella,
Rimu Class,
Yaldhurst Model School,
Christchurch.
Hi there Telesia, how are you? I am from YMS (Yaldhurst Model School) and I really enjoyed your story. When I first read your first paragraph, it made me want to read the whole because it was interesting.Even the story name was great and I liked how you used the word UNDISCOVERED because it so such a juicy word. If you can write the next episode then can you please because I really want to read what happens next? If you want to see my blog then here it is...
ReplyDeletehttp://ymsparwink.blogspot.co.nz/2017/02/this-week-in-rimu-we-have-been-learning.html
Hi I am nikoli from yaldhurst school. your story was interesting and when I read this story it feel like its coming to life. grate story.
ReplyDeleteKi Ora Telesia. I am shukoor from Yaldhurst Model School,
ReplyDeleteI really liked your writing a lot because it was creative and it really hooked the reader in.
Cant wait for you to continue the story.
Keep it up.
Shukoor
YMS
Hey Room 8,
ReplyDeleteI love your story. I liked the way you used describing words and action words. Maybe when he walked down the path you could add something like "He heard the crackle of dry leaves under he feet". I can definitely see were the inspiration was coming from and I enjoyed reading it.
From Hannah,
Yaldhurst Model School,
Year 7.
Hi Telesia, I am from Yaldhurst Model School,
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading the first sentence it really felt like I was in the story, it felt like it grabbed you into the story and you couldn't stop reading it... I would love to know what happens to Joey I hope he will be alright!
Thanks,Lucy From YMS.
Hi Telesia, I am from Yaldhurst Model School,
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading the first sentence it really felt like I was in the story, it felt like it grabbed you into the story and you couldn't stop reading it... I would love to know what happens to Joey I hope he will be alright!
Thanks,Lucy From YMS.
hi i am brayden from yaldhurst school and i like your story i like all the describeing words and the alice in wonderland and how he went out Quicky and Quietly and i love it from brayden
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ReplyDeleteHi there
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this and I couldnt stop reading but I cant wait until you write more
From Grace
YMS
WOW I love your story right from the start it hooked me in and now I want to read MORE keep up the good work great story
ReplyDeleteHi Telesia I am Bridget and I am a year five in rimu and I go to yaldhurst school. when does the next story come out because you are a really great story maker.
ReplyDeleteHey Guys,
ReplyDeleteThis a really cool story.
The Describing words that you used was awesome.
What more could you add to this story?
Hello St bern,
ReplyDeleteThat story was interesting and mysterious, a lot detail, but you need less clumps of sentences for that story for it to have proper paragraphs.
From Jacob M,
Yaldhurst Model School
Hey,
ReplyDeleteThis a really cool
Kia Ora,
ReplyDeleteThis is such a descriptive well written story. I enjoy writing but I can't write a story this good. How long did this take?
Isaac,
YMS.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteYo Telesia I'm Nikita from YMS I like your epic story I wanna see a bit more on your blog instead of commenting on one thing each time.Ps love every part of the story
ReplyDeleteHello Telesia I'm Jedi, I am from YMS. I love your story, it is so interesting. I can't wait to see your next post. Keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteJedi =)
Hi, my name is Kristie from South Hornby School! I love writing story's! Your story Is very interesting and mysterious! I loved it when you wrote "In a blink of an eye, he was so big!" and when you wrote to be continued with ellipses at the end of that! Maybe next time write a blurb! Other than that it is amazing!
ReplyDeleteHi! My name is Layla from SHS. I love the title of the story! It's very catchy. Maybe next time you could use paragraphs more. This reminds me of my writing about hide and seek. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteLayla
SHS
hello my name is jacob from yaldhurst model school i like your story but something is not right in your story so if you can redo it if you like!
ReplyDeletehi its hunter from yms school I like you blog post because off your photo but next time put some foll stops in your story.
ReplyDeletei have improved my comment: hi its hunter from yms school I like you blog post because off your photo but next time put some more full stop because i ran out of breth in your story.
ReplyDeletehi its hunter from yms school I like you blog post because off your photo but next time put some more full stop because i ran out of breth in your story
ReplyDeletehi i like your story you have are lot of describing words
ReplyDeleteHi Telesia I really liked you work if had lots of describing words keep it up.
ReplyDeleteHi is Isaac from yaldhurst model school I like the way that you have given us a lot of information about all of your work
ReplyDelete